Heart surgery can’t be that hard, right? Even two unqualified idiots finishing up their last year of high school can explain how it functions. People saying it is difficult are just hyping it up. I believe that even some high school students could figure it out if they were given an hour or two.
The first surgery is heart surgery. start by making a decent-sized incision (for those under the age of 10, that means a big cut) in the middle of the chest. Then you need to break the chest open. Panic, pay no attention to detail. You need to completely break the sternum, which is that big bone in the center. Then pry the bones to the sides of the body, Pretend you’re an angry gorilla. Trust me, it helps.
Just a check-in. You’re still following along, right? If so, let’s continue. The next step is grafting. What is a graft you may be asking? Well, a graft is when we stick a piece of tissue (not the nose kind) somewhere else where the tissue should be. In our case, we need to take a vein from somewhere in the body (usually in the leg) and then it is grafted to the heart. When the veins are all back on, the surgeons (us) kickstart your heart (like the Motley Crue song).
Ok, not gonna lie, we started this as a joke but honestly, this doesn’t seem too hard, 8 years of school my butt. We could do this with our eyes closed, our nostrils plugged, our ears shut, our tongues tied, and our hands and feet behind our backs.
The next surgery up on the chopping block is the surgery to remove your gallbladder. This surgery is needed for those with gallstones. There is not much risk involved with this surgery, besides some bad allergies, some migraines, permanent loss of eyesight, losing a leg, losing two legs, and having a clown named Gerald appear in your dreams. Now this surgery is fairly common, even my mother has had it, though I don’t know if she’s had any bad side effects.
So you’re gonna stick like three big needle things in. Never mind, there are 4 needle-like things you jab in. Two of them are to the right of the person (your Left). Do not hit the liver, or else… Y’know, just don’t hit it. Jab another one on the left (your right). The last one goes under your tummy. Then you stick some pliers through the thingy and clamp/ cut the main thing connecting it. Let the air out like it’s a tire. Now you are good to fully open them up and take out the gallbladder. You’re probably wondering where in the body this is, it’s middle-ish.
Kidney transplant, what is it? Well, let’s discuss what a kidney is. It helps digest food with acid. It breaks it down and then that digested food goes through the intestines. Wait, I just got word that this is the wrong organ.
The actual kidney is pretty much a filter for the body. It removes waste products from digested food and helps create pee. So why do people need this? It’s because of kidney failure, which essentially shuts down the kidneys. This makes it so that you can’t properly produce pee and get rid of waste products which leads to your pee color being brownish orange. Not exactly great, especially when Rodney the Jester appears and tickles your kidneys.
Next, you need a replacement kidney. Hopefully, you have a relative who is a match because they can donate one of their kidneys because “most” people have 2 kidneys. If you don’t have anyone close who can donate, go outside. And you go on a list to get one from people who have passed. Unfortunately, there are not enough organs for everyone (yet), but hopefully, you get lucky and obtain one. That is why you should become an organ donor so that if you die you can save some lives. Also, it’s $15,000 for a kidney on the black market, so do what you have to do big guy.
Now that you have your kidney it’s time for the fun part, getting anesthesia and passing out. Oh my god, it’s the best sleep ever. Seriously. Okay, now it’s time for surgery. Cut the person open and make sure all the veins connected are clamped down like wrapping a rubber band around your arm. Then simply cut it out. Grab your new kidney from the ice (don’t be shy). I forgot to mention to keep the new one on ice to keep it fresh. If you made it this far with no Ice, uh find a new one. Now attach the new kidney to the veins and you’re good. Easy peasy. Do not let Janice in accounting know if she doesn’t already.
Appendix surgery is next up, what does this piece of garbage within the human body do? Absolutely nothing, not a single thing, it’s just there, but if you get appendicitis or your appendix ruptures it can kill you. Now it’s a tiny little finger-looking organ attached to your large intestine. Yes, and an organ the size of your finger can kill you, very bad design, 0/10.
Modern Appendix surgeries have these fancy tools that they use to make a tiny keyhole incision in your belly button, and like an actual key, hopefully, it doesn’t get lost. With the special tool, you can see what’s going on in the body. You use some clamps and just cut out this crappy organ, then sew up the cut part. Where’s the fun in that? The old-school way was a lot bigger and involved making a large cut on the person’s side so you could see, then the same thing cut and sew. It’s on the right side by the way. My right, not your right, right? That’s right. Is it?
Okay now that we got the easy stuff out of the way, let’s try Brian surgery. No, I didn’t spell it wrong that’s how it’s spelled, look it up, troglodyte. It’s also called a craniotomy but that’s boring. This is the jack of all trades of brain surgery because it can be used to remove tumors, sample tissue for tests, remove blood clots, drain excess fluid, drain pus (not the cat), relieve swelling, stop bleeding, make my father love me again, and repair blood vessels. The first step is to shave the patient’s head, they say it’s to make it easier and more clean, but we know the real reason, we know! Then you put the patient under or you can leave them partially awake to make sure no damage is being done. Which is just terrifying to me, like you are awake while people are literally poking around in your brain.
When you’re ready, cut the skin and fold it over, don’t cut it off. You should be seeing the skull now. Put three decent-sized holes in the skull. One on the top left and right, then one on the bottom right. Use these holes to cut a weird oval shape and just take the part out. For those who don’t know what an oval is, take a circle, but make it long. Now cut the dural mater which is between the brain and skull, don’t cut completely off. Then you can remove what you need to, and you can also mess around all you want in here, it definitely won’t harm the person. Now sew the dural back on, screw the skull back in, and sew the skin on. You’re good, and now your patient is in eternal gratitude to you and your bloodline.
So that’s it, this is the common knowledge required to perform surgery on a gerbil. Also, remember to sterilize all your equipment, wear gloves, don’t eat anything on the tables, go to medical school, and get a diploma. And we are two idiots teaching you how to tune a piano, thanks for reading.
