Unholy Mary

**Disclaimer:  Mature/Sensitive Content (Fiction)

Erin Boc

Dear Diary, 

At 12 years old, when I got my period for the first time, I was so excited. I told my mom and all of my friends, with whom I was the last out of to get it. My mom always said I was intelligent and mature, but after I got it, I genuinely felt like a woman. Now its presence, well the lack thereof, makes me sick. Literally. 

I was so excited to become a teenager, but I never thought that at 13  14 I would have any form of life growing inside of me. 

He threatened to slaughter my family and told me not to tell anyone. Then told me if I actually got pregnant, not to tell anyone that it was him. He told me to just say it was some boy from school. How can I say something like that to my mom or dad when they know I haven’t even had my first kiss? 

I thank god that I don’t remember the night it happened, but I’m scared that it’s all just going to come to me. I hate this baby. I hate it. I wish it were cancer growing inside of me. It should be cancer growing inside of me. I don’t know what I’m going to do when my stomach actually starts to grow.

I have to go. Dinner’s ready. 

Mary

Mary stares at this page in her diary for what seems like forever. The tears not yet filled her eyes, she rubs her stomach which seems as stiff as her thoughts in this moment. She wrote this entry, quick glance at the calendar, a month and a half ago and her life is in a totally different place. Her dad found the test in the trash just a couple of days after that diary entry was written. At first, he was so excited because he thought that his only child was going to be a big sister. But when he found out that Mary wasn’t going to become a sister, but rather a mother, he cried into the night and through the next day. He couldn’t bare it and locked himself in his room. Mary had no idea that from that point on, he would never speak to her again. Upon hearing the news, Mary’s mother was horrified but made sure that Mary knew that her mom was there for her. 

Mary and her mom sat at the kitchen table one night having a mother-daughter chat that no mother and daughter should ever have. 

“So, what do you want to name it?” Mary’s mom asks folding her arms on the table and leaning on them. 

“Mom!” Mary snaps. 

“I know, I know, it’s too early to decide, I was just wondering.” Her mom raises her hands defensively. When she lowers them, her face lowers with it. “You do want to keep the baby right?”

Mary winces at the B word and looks at her mom. This is the first time she’s hearing it out loud. She slowly shakes her head. Her moms eyes widen as she looks down at Mary’s stomach. 

“I don’t have much of a choice though do I? I have to keep the thing mom, abortions aren’t legal in Idaho.” 

“Well, we can always go somewhere where they are legal…”

“No, it’s too expensive.”

“Well, this baby can’t be born if I’m the only one there to love it!” Her mom snaps and stands from her chair. She pushes it back so far with her legs, it topples over. Mary’s face deadpans as she stares up to her mother. “Mary think about this! I would rather lose my house than possibly lose a daughter, a grandkid, or even my husband! It’s already hard enough having to be the middle man between you two! And on top of that, having to deal with you and the police, and catching the guy who started all of this in the first place is just too much for me!”

There’s silence. The only sounds are the creaks in the house by the movement of Mary’s dad turning over in bed. Her mother stands there for a second, replaying everything she just said.

“Having to deal with me?” Mary whispers as she slowly stands up, “I’m so sorry Mom. I’m sorry dealing with me is too much for you to handle.” 

Mary runs upstairs and locks her door. She slides down the front of it and sits, her head resting on the oak. She thought her mom would follow her. She hoped her mom would follow her. She wanted her mom to follow her.

Hours passed and night has fallen. The house remains dormant as Mary stuffs all of the necessities she can think of into her backpack. Her parents have never hidden anything big from her. They were always honest, especially when it came to financial situations. Mary knew that her family was poor, so why now did her mom make it seem like it was not a problem. “Well, we can always go somewhere where they are legal,” No. No they can’t. Mary shakes the feelings away and looks over her list one more time. 

Shirts

Pants

Socks

Underwear ( + extra)

Toothbrush and paste

Charger

60 dollars

She nods, confirming she has everything she needs. She slips her beanie on her head and reaches for her jacket. When she grabs it, it rubs against itself, making an absolute cacophony of chiffs, and flaps. In reality, it wasn’t loud at all, but Mary felt as if each breath sounded like a hurricane ready to tear the roof off of the house. She slowly, carefully slips on her jacket, as well as her life packed on her back. Inch by inch she creeps down the stairs and to the door. As she’s seen in movies, she gives one last look around her home. From where she stands, she can see all of the family pictures from the times they laughed, cried, and slowly got older. From where she stands, it looks like the kid who grew up here had a really lucky life and a loving family, which was true in the past. Not wanting any of that to change, she turns and walks out the door and into the cold.

Mary walks for miles in the dark. Through her small town and through a highway, she eventually makes it to the big city, well it’s big in her Idaho eyes. Her eyes feel as droopy as her legs, so she sits down on a random bench on some random street. What seems like out of nowhere, a red, puffy, zit-like pickup truck stops on the side of the road right in front of her. The screeeek  of the breaks kicks Mary out of her half-dream trance. A man in the passenger seat jumps down from the mile-high car door. He sits down next to Mary and rests his arm on the back of the bench behind her. 

“Are you homeless?” He asks. Mary hesitantly swivels her head towards him. He seems like he’s maybe in his late teens, early twenties. His ginger hair falls to his shoulders, the frizz illuminating some sort of aura from the streetlight behind him. He adjusts the hem of his red flannel and waits for Mary to answer, a pen wiggling in his breast pocket.

“I um- Yeah I guess I am.”

“What do you mean ‘I guess I am’” He mocks her voice and laughs. Mary gives a short huff through her nose and looks down, what a goof. She sits there silently and debates actually answering the question. She knows that he was making a joke, but Mary hasn’t been able to express anything in months.

“I mean…” Mary proceeds to tell him absolutely everything. She tells him about the night it happened, the pain she felt, the soreness that lingered, it’s all coming back to her. She told him about when her parents found out when her dad stopped talking to her, and the fact that she misses her period. She just wants to be a normal fourteen-year-old girl. Red flannel listens to her. He doesn’t say a word and just sits there listening to every word she says. Mary just sobs and sobs and Red Flannel hugs her. Mary digs her forehead into his shoulder, she thinks to herself how could a random stranger care more about her than her own damn father? This complete stranger is listening more than her mom has ever even tried. Still holding onto her, Red Flannel stands up and guides Mary to the truck. He takes her hand as she steps up into it. This made Mary feel like a princess. 

Now sitting in between the driver and the passenger seat, she wipes her eyes and awkwardly looks over to the driver. There, a woman with long, jet-black hair smiles at her. She jerks the bangs out of her face, revealing beautiful green eyeshadow. As Red Flannel shuts the passenger door, Eyeshadow begins to drive. 

“You said you just want to be a normal fourteen-year-old… gosh, that really tugged at my heartstrings.” Red Flannel says as he looks from the window to Mary, “I don’t want to assume, but normal fourteen-year-old girls don’t typically have babies.” 

Mary gives him the look, “If you’re asking me if I want to keep the baby, the answer is no. If you’re rubbing it in my face that I can’t fix that problem, then please stop.” 

Red Flannel’s eyebrows droop, “Oh my god I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” Mary looks down, guilty for making Red Flannel feel bad. Shortly after, he tilts his head, “Wait- What do you mean you can’t fix the problem?”

“Abortions are… illegal in Idaho?” Surely he knew this, given the fact that he was years older than her. 

“Illegal yes, but also needed. They still happen. I actually knew a girl who got a coat-hanger abortion.”

“What’s that?” Mary asked.

“I uh, don’t know the anatomy of how it works.” He looks over at Eyeshadow, who then rolls her eyes. Mary looks over at Eyeshadow.

“They stick the hook of the coat hanger into your vagina as deep as it can go in order to hook and pull out the baby- or whatever it is at that point.” She says this without any hesitation or cringe, which Mary very obviously shows herself. She turns back to Red Flannel with fear in her eyes.
“That happened to someone you knew?” 

“Well she did it to herself, but I do know someone who does them for only fifty bucks.”

“Nice guy.” Eyeshadow chimes in.

Red Flannel and Eyeshadow make it seem like it’s not that bad. Mary looks down at her hands. The truck takes a right.

“Does it hurt…?” Mary mumbles towards Eyeshadow’s direction. 

“Well yeah, but I think it’s worth it since you’re basically trading it out for your future.” She answers.

“The guy I know can give you extra numbing cream for twenty bucks more. Here, I’ll write down his name and address” He digs through the glove compartment and pulls out a random fast food receipt, the ink too faded to tell which place it’s from. He takes the pen out from his breast pocket and jots down some letters. He gives the paper to Mary, who takes it, hesitantly, but she still takes it.

“Thanks.” She mumbles. She looks down at the note that reads Garrett Matthews and thinks to herself, Am I actually doing this? Eyeshadow didn’t seem too concerned about it, and if it really was dangerous, then she would look out for another girl right?  

Eventually, they pull up to an alleyway where the infamous Garrett Matthews resides. Red Flannel steps out of the truck and helps Mary out. She looks around. The sky is getting lighter, probably around 4 o’clock in the morning. The alleyway looks wet and humid, despite the cold that surrounds it. Red Flannel stands beside her and points down the alleyway.

“You’re just going to go down there and take a left. Then knock on the yellow door. If it’s not a yellow door, then you’re at the wrong house.” He gives a slight chuckle and pats her on the back. Then he turns and hops back into the pickup truck and closes the door. He rolls down the window as Mary anxiously turns around.

“Where are you going!” She says in a panic, “Aren’t you going to stay with me?” 

Red Flannel looks at Eyeshadow then back at Mary, “Why would we do that? We don’t even know your name.” He says as if Mary was brainless. Mary stands there speechless.

“Good luck girl!” Eyeshadow yells as Red Flannel rolls up the window while they drive away. 

Mary is alone again. She slowly turns back around, towards the alleyway. She looks down at the receipt, Garrett Matthews, Garrett Matthews, Garrett Matthews. She reads it over and over again in her head. She folds up the piece of paper and sticks it in her pocket when she feels something else within it. She pulls out another piece of paper all crumbled up into a ball. She deconstructs it and takes a glance at what’s written on it. 

It reads, Dear Diary. How did the diary entry get in Mary’s pocket? She doesn’t remember ever putting it in there, never mind ripping a whole page out of her diary. Mary shakes her head, she’s getting distracted. 

“Whatever.” She grumbles to herself. She re-crumbles up the diary entry and tosses it on the ground. Hand to her belly, she takes a deep breath and marches into the alleyway.